Bush is another word for c*nt

Priceless. Thanks to Sarah Peart-Bentham for the forward, and somebody give that photographer a medal!

Thanksgiving in Beijing

I meant to post pictures of my first ever Thanksgiving but I have spent much of this week in a vegetative post feeding-orgy state, much like a python after a big meal of deer/tapir/Cheesy Wotsits or whatever it is that pythons eat. That's what you get for hanging out with Americans although that said, Brits don't really celebrate anything and when they do it invariably involves large-scale consumption of alcohol, so much so that all different celebrations kind of meld into one indistiguishable lager-swilling festival. Josh did mention something about starting a bonfire for Guy Fawkes Night but somehow I couldn't see a bunch of tanked up laowais dancing around a blazing pile of old matresses going down very well with the Public Security Bureau.

The first Thanksgiving Dinner I attended was held last Sunday by Max's classmates. They rented the canteen at the old Beida Foreign Student's Dormitories for a couple of hours and used the industrial size kitchen to prepare food, including the all important turkey. Max and I were assigned mash potato duty which I'm proud to say is one of two things I am able to prepare, the other being spread on toast. I have to thank my Belfast years for my spud skills where I regularly prepared tudouni (and a dizzying array of fried, chipped, broiled, baked, boiled, grilled, roast, deep-fried or otherwise prepared potatoes) for the 30 screaming cousins, bickering aunts and uncles and random house guests that would descend upon my then boyfriend's grandmother's house in North Belfast for Sunday dinner. We stopped off at the Zhicunlu subway station on the way to Wudaokou because we wanted to check out Walmart and also because well, it seemed like a perfectly safe assumption to make that Walmart would stock your ordinary household potato. We eventually found the fresh produce section after running around in circles following misleading direction signs. We scoured all the alleys but could not find a single potato. Sweet potato - yes. Dragon fruit - check. Durians from Thailand - I'll have a half dozen. Bay leaves - yep. But when I went up to the supermarket attendant to ask for tudou all I got was an all too familiar reply: a curt "Meiyou!" Plenty of attitude and not a potato in sight - that's Walmart with Chinese characteristics for you. Max and I eventually hunted down the fugitive spuds and made it to the Thanksgiving Dinner. Now, I became a vegetarian for many reasons, including developing healthy eating habits. However, I am positive that vegetarians at Thanksgiving Dinners are at risk of developing adult onset diabetes. Whilst everyone else helped themselves to large chunks of turkey, I found myself in high-carb heaven that was every Atkin's followers nightmare, filling myself with stuffing, mash potatoes, sweet potato casserole, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, apple crumble and freshly baked biscuits.

I had only barely recovered from that ordeal when I experienced my second brush with this American glorification of masochistic over-eating at the legendary Club M. The boys really outdid themselves and made full use of the limited cooking equipment they possessed. The turkey was cooked in the microwave and turned out very nicely indeed while the toaster oven churned out pumpkin pies and apple pies. Because it was a quasi-potluck do, the guests also folded up their sleeves and got crackin' with making stuffing, garlic mash potatoes, some killer grilled mayo-parmesan southwestern bread things, jiaozis and salads while others came bringing gifts of cheesecakes and other devillishly sinful desserts. And what's a party without a room full of happily tipsy guests? My contribution: two buckets of deceivingly strong fruit punch.

Chez MattD and Bertha the Turkey

Feeding frenzy!

Mmm... dessert time...

David:"Eeek!"
Matt:"Eeek!"

Josh:"Hmm... this punch looks dodgy.."
Max:"Yeah, it's as evil as the woman who made it. Won't catch me drinking that witch's brew, which is why I'm sticking to tasty, refreshing, watered down Yanjing beer."

Josh:"It was HER idea!"

Me:"Oh shut up Josh and just lap it up. You're my muse. *coo*"

Josh:"You mean I'm your aMUSEment."

Josh:"I dunno... what does the Parisian say?"

Denis:"Ooh lala, tres chic, mon amour..."

Josh and Pete in the middle of an attempted murder.

You know what they say about the 3Ms - beautiful women follow them around like flies on shit every where they go.

Smokin'!

Julia and Alina doing what they do best - looking irresistable.

Josh, ever the Englishman, could not hide his contempt for his American contemporaries and their encroachment on his personal space.

Julia:"Ooh, what a lovely bunch of people."
Josh:"Stay away from me, you freakoid!"

Jia:"Hello, darlings."
Josh:"Gaah! Gyaaah! I hate all of you!! Stop touching me!!"

Elsewhere, Pete just could not seem to stay out of trouble...

"How many times do I have to tell you? Stop copping a feel when my back is turned or somebody's gonna get hurt real bad. I'll take you out, mister, just you wait!"

"You may have foiund me golden egg tarts but Oi told you then and Oi will tell ye once again, boyo - you will never foind me gold!"

Matt K looked his usual rock star self...

... and Pete is still hell bent on foinding me gold...

Sigh... so many hot chicks, so little time...
Denis in the background:"Psst... pass them to me when you're done"

All things considered, I think we had ourselves a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner!

Friends, new and old, are what make time spent Beijing so unforgettable.

Matt and I go into a state of shock when faced with the task of cleaning up.

We woz all here!

3 days later, the aftermath...

I'd like to see how the authorities cover up this toxic spill.

Japan to have 'military' for the first time since WWII

Frankly, this is rather disturbing.

The ruling Liberal Democratic Party Tuesday formally unveiled a revised draft of Japan's pacifist constitution that would allow the country to possess an official military for the first time since World War II and give the armed forces a more assertive international role.
The proposed revisions, the first since the constitution was drafted by U.S. occupying forces and adopted by the Japanese in 1947, would keep intact Japan's renunciation of war as now stated. But it would grant the country's 240,000-strong Self Defense Forces -- whose role has been strictly limited to defending Japan's home islands for the past half century -- the higher military status as well as new authority to participate in overseas peacekeeping missions.

More importantly, the revisions would open the door for a broader interpretation of the constitution permitting Japan to engage in so-called "collective self defense" -- or coming to the military aid of an ally. The most likely beneficiary would be Japan's closest ally, the United States, which has privately urged Japan to adopt such measures. Changes in Japan's constitutional status would have major significance in the region, particularly in the event of a conflict between China and the United States over Taiwan.

Although not explicitly mentioned, it doesn't take an expert on Sino-Japanese relations to point out that this move is probably also in response to the combination of China's emergence as a military power in the region and growing anti-Japanese sentiment which could turn out to be catastrophic for a demilitarised Japan. In addition,

...The draft ... waters down language separating church and state, a measure apparently aimed at making it easier for sitting prime ministers to visit Tokyo's Yasukuni Shrine, which honors Japan's military dead including World War II criminals. Koizumi's annual visits to Yasukuni have caused outrage in China and South Korea and sparked a host of lawsuits.

The draft still faces major hurdles as it will require parliamentary approval and majority support from the public through a national referendum. However, opinion polls indicate that "a majority of Japanese support amending Article 9 to enable Japan's Self-Defense Forces to play a greater role in international peacekeeping duties, and perhaps assume other responsibilities."

Moves like this can mean further deterioration of Sino-Japanese relations, yet it is only natural that Japan is nervous about its giant neighbour to the west. In turn, this development and the rise of Japan's right is, according to a Japan Times article, seen by Beijing as "the most disturbing of current trends."

I hope that is is not the beginning of a trend of where tit-for-tat measures are taken in retaliation, potentially escalating into Asia's very own Israeli-Palestinian conflict-like situation but to the power of ten.

Sources:
Revised Constitution Strengthens Japan's Military
Sino-Japanese Relations Continue to Cool

Charlie and the Great Chinese Takeaway

Prince Charles is taking legal action against the Mail on Sunday newspaper for publishing excerpts of his private memoir written in 1997 after the Hong Kong handover. I just love it when national leaders make snide comments about China.

It concerned the handover of Hong Kong, and in it he described the Chinese Communist leadership as "appalling old waxworks" and railed against Tony Blair and his coterie of advisers... A spokesman admitted that the move in effect confirmed the authenticity of the remarks...

Looks like Charlie sure knows how to let off steam and enjoys having a good old rant like any one of us. His Royal Highness' eloquent whingemanship has prompted me to think that we are quite possibly a match made in heaven. Now if only he'd throw his weight behind the anti-foxhunt campaign....

Entitled The Handover of Hong Kong or the Great Chinese Takeaway, the prince's note criticised the "ridiculous rigmarole" and "awful Soviet-style display" of goose-stepping Chinese soldiers during the ceremony, referred to the diplomatic jockeying to prevent royal loss of face beforehand - in the event he was not required to bow to the then Chinese president, Jiang Zemin - and mocked the Chinese leadership.

He added: "After my speech the president detached himself from the group of appalling old waxworks who accompanied him and took his place at the lectern. He then gave a kind of 'propaganda' speech which was loudly cheered by the bussed-in party faithful at the suitable moment in the text."

Notwithstanding the embarassment stemming from public scrutiny of what previously were private musings, Prince Charles' memos did not involve leaking state secrets, uncovering of CIA operatives nor lead to baby seals being clubbed to death. On the contrary, his observations are on par of his Sinosceptic views reflected in his boycott of the last official state visit by China in 1999 and missing Hu's recent visit to the UK. He should therefore call off the legal action against the Mail for reporting what really lies behind the rigid handshakes and overly gracious smiles.

Bush in China

W. is coming to China over the weekend and The Economist has posted an analysis of issues likely to be discussed with the Chinese leadership while he's on this side of the pond. I wonder how amicable the talks will be in the light of Bush's digs at China on political reform and freedom of expression among others all while heaping praise on Japan and Taiwan. Personally, I think Bush's speech at Busan was the best thing to come out his two terms in office. Somebody needs to have the balls to tell China what it needs to hear to its face.

Full-time bore

Have not posted anything for a while and this is down to the fact that I've been putting in 12-hour marathons in front of the computer churning out proposals for events with sweatshop efficiency followed by slugging it out in the gym and then collapsing in a heap. And I phoned my parents for the first time in 2 months on Monday which, although terribly exciting for me, is hardly headlining news.


Instead, I have been finding the lives of others infinintely more interesting than mine. One in particular would be that of Dawn Yang's. I stumbled onto the furore surrounding the California-based Singaporean thanks to a posting on Peking Duck about how this alleged cosmetically enhanced beauty has kicked up a bit of a storm in a teh tarik cup. Thank goodness for the rest of us that it's not all down to looks and some modicum of interestingness goes a long way to adding to someone's appeal. Seeing that I have neither of the above I am even more grateful that I am no longer in the dating scene. I can see that my pick-up line would go a little something like this:

"Hi, I'm Jo. I am an over-worked, underpaid event planner working for a local company. I suffer from occasional but nonetheless violent bouts of Beijing Rage especially when taking the subway and hope that the dickhead that cut in front of me in the queue dies of toxic anal leakage. That is my only defining characteristic. Oh, and devising ever more creative and horrific curses to put one the next nongming that presses up against me in the crush of commuters at Xizhimen to hurry up when I'm trying my utmost not to fall down the steps and create a stampede that'll make Mecca look like a bouncy castle."

In other developments ... central heating was turned on at full blast as of yesterday. The office has turned into the Gobi Desert what with the hot and arid air. Everyone feels feverish, have sore throats, eyes and the general feeling of irritation. We can't strip off the layers fast enough after coming in from the cold so we throw open the office door to regulate the office temperature by letting out the excess heat. All this, while somewhere in China another shift of miners are working overtime to produce more coal to fuel the furnances and some of whom will inevitably be trapped and killed in a mining accident in the coming weeks or months.

It has really been a few dreadfully unremarkable days, and it is as depressing as I make it out to be. Will see if I can get myself into any mischief as the week draws to an end but don't see much coming up. Next weekend should be a great improvement with Layo and Bushwacka at Babyface on Friday night, banjo extraordinaire Bela Flack playing at Tsinghua University and Armin van Buren at Banana on Saturday. I am also counting on my boss to finally decide to leave me alone all of next week so I will have the energy to live for the weekend. Here's to hoping!

Karangan UPSR - Keluarga Saya

One for the Malaysian posse scattered around the world with a big Terima Kasih to Chris Oon for the forward. Little buggers. I knew all along that they were evil!

Beijing food diary

This has been a dreadful week. I'm so glad that I survived and that it's coming to an end. Somebody show me an easy chair!

I know that it is to my mother's dismay that I have chosen this line of work. In fact, it's every Asian mother's nightmare to see their child packed off to some faraway land to pursue a career in spin-doctoring, number crunching, stem cell research on aborted female foetuses, whatever. To them, it doesn't matter if their offspring loot and pillage for a living. Oh, but to not be there when they come back from a hard day's work to serve up a steaming toureen of black chicken soup, slow boiled with a fistful of danggui and ginseng for 12 hours (something that smells that bad CANNOT possibly be good for you) - now that is what defines a mother's misery.

Lucky for me, and my mother's sanity, I live in Beijing, a city where people just don't seem to stop eating, and quite economically too. Today, I had a proposal to submit by 3pm and two meetings to attend before popping down the gym and then going round to see Saipin at night who had just come back from Austria and was crashing with Di while in town. Oh, I knew from the moment I swung my feet over the side of the bed that it was going to be a LONG day and a lunchbreak was out of the question. So I dropped by the jianbing stall downstairs before jumping into a taxi for work. There's a short line so I place my order and wait while the Mrs. Jianbing does her scallion pancake thing on her griddle. A white guy scoots up to the stall on his bicyle and gestures at the line then gestures at his watch, shrugs at the jianbing guy and looks hopeful. So Mr. Jianbing is turns round and asks us if we mind letting the waiguo pengyou have his served up first because he's late for work.

Jianbing Shushu: What do you say kids? Let's help out our foreign friend here, he's gonna be late for work.

Chinese guy in line: Absolutely not!

Me: Hell. No. I'm late for work too! And I'm foreign, so how come I don't get preferential treatment?

JS: Oh? You're a foreigner? But you look Chinese to me. Where are you from?

Me: Malaysia.

JS: Ah... you're all Muslims there! You're our brethren!

Me: Um.. yes... assalamualaikum.

JS (looks round at a small crowd gathering to stare at the Chinese-looking foreigner): Look what we have here! She's Hui Zu like us, she's one of our own!

Me *uncomfortably*: Ahem... yesh... more chilli please, we like it spicy.

JS: So how come you look like a Chinese girl then?

Me: Well uh... I'm ethnic Chinese.

JS: Oho! It goes back to the time when Cheng Ho went down the South Seas! *looking excitedly around at the crowd of senior Beijingrens* Do you remember the time, way back in the Ming Dynasty say... oh... 800 years ago! She's a descendant of Cheng Ho!

Me: Uh well... I don't think so. Cheng Ho did lack the necessary equipment to reproduce because he was a uhuhuhuhhh.... uhuhhuhuh... *nudge nudge wink wink*

JS: Well he didn't go down the South Seas alone, did he? You must be a direct descendant of one of the virgins he took with him to present to your ruler. Anyway, here's your jianbing, Malaysian foreign friend.

The greasy goodness that is a perfect jianbing sustained me for most part of the day although I refuelled with a Magnum ice-cream and huge mug of coffee somewhere post - official lunchtime. I was famished by the time I finished at the gym and was really looking forward to some tasty vegetarian jiaozis or dumplings at the restaurant behind my apartment. It's one of those regular hole-in-the-wall type eateries that are not for China newbies and persons with any regard for hygiene, food preparation or in general. Growing up on the mean bacterium-riddled sidewalks of Kuala Lumpur and being a vegetarian goes a long way to stave off Beijing Belly, so the slimy table tops and peeling walls never bothered me.

I sat down and placed an order for 3 liangs of jiaozis. I noticed that the customer on the next table - a female high school student judging by the ill-fitting tracksuits they are made to wear - had brought a dirty looking puppy into the restaurant. Now I love dogs with their pure, unconditional love and relative self-sufficiency compared to human babies who are the REAL bane of the earth. But this was a dirty, mangy looking puppy who looked it it hadn't been washed since its mother licked it clean at birth with the rest of the litter. Its owner fawned over it and fed it dumpling scraps which it nibbled at half-heartedly. She then scooped it up in her arms and padded over proudly to the waitress who had just taken my order. The waitress hesitated at first but, encouraged by the owner, took the pup into her arms and cradled it like a baby. She cooed and lavished it with love and then decided that she was going to bring it into the kitchen and show it to the chef.

I am watching this little drama the whole time with open-mouthed disbelief. I am no fingernail scrubber but I was blown away at how little the waitresses cared about food hygiene. My waitress emerged from a kitchen in a few minutes with a steaming plate of dumplings and placed it on my table. I looked down and tried to pick out black specks that may resemble fleas or tick eggs. The senior waitresses noticed my hesitation and served me a glass of hot water, as if washing the dumplings down with it would kill whatever germs that had made the great leap from their canine host to my dinner. I placed my faith in Matt D's maxim of eating stuff off the floor bu gan bu jing, chi le bu bing! - which essentially espouses the benefits to one's health through ingestion of unsanitary food - and made a hasty meal of the dumplings after dousing them in as much vinegar as I could.

The Girlie Show

It is getting COLD here in Beijing which makes dressing up to go out and not looking like a miniature stuffed yak a real chore. Anou decided to take matters into her own hands and invited the Peking Internacionales ladies to her apartment for dinner and drinks. For a slob like me, friends like Anou and Dionne are worth their weight in gold. They plan what to cook then go down to the local market to buy groceries - salmon (a pop at only RMB22/jin), watercress and other tasty whatnots that I am unable to name simply because I will not, cannot, refuse to cook even if a date with Brad Pitt depended on it. Of course, they even give the evening a theme and on Saturday, it was lingerie night. Why why why do I call these sexpot crackheads my friends. Just kidding, girlies! You know I luv ya. ;-) But seriously, while the rest of them had no concrete plans after dinner, I had a date with Sasha at Banana down Jianguomen way which I could predict would be chock full of leery men infused with alcohol and who knows what else to their shoe laces who were looking for girls of questionable moral fibre to take home. I AM black to the core, no doubt about that, but I am also going out with the perfect man so no need to hang around dark corners of clubs looking coy and batting my eyelashes at every bloke on his way to the men's room.

I picked Di and her apple tarts up in a taxi on my way to Anoushka's apartment. It never ceases to amaze me how domesticated my girlfriends are when my own living quarters bear signs of prolonged neglect and symptoms of acute bacholerette-titis. Cosy lamps, colourful throws, a (albeit sparsely inhabited) fishtank, family photos and an interesting collection of bric-a-brac gave Anou's boudoir a lovely lived-in atmosphere.

Dodgy Mauritian sex figurines.

Dionne and I were the first ones there and the girls started to arrive one by one, some on time while others were fashionably late as always. :-p Matt K called me and I gave directions to the taxi driver to rumbles of discontent going around the living room. A man in our midst?! I placated the naysayers, assuring them that Matt was at once no ordinary man and at the same time a shining beacon of male perfection. What can I say? I think the girls all took an immediate shine to him - it's difficult not to!

A regular meeting in session at the Peking Internacionales Ladies Club, Chaoyang Chapter

Lord Matthew and his ladies-in-waiting.

He doesn't know it yet, but I sense some great pimp potential in Matt...

Sophie pretending that she doesn't like attention and wishes that nasty man with the camera would go away and leave her alone...

...which means I get paid more notice. Can't complain about that *pout*.

Celine and I revel in a rare moment of being the only Orientals in the room. It's like you're not even in China, woohoo!

Made in China

Here's another translation of a Chinese attachment forwarded to me by my colleague. Granted, it's is not as thought provoking as the (i) Poignant(ii) China (iii) Images but some of them are still pretty shocking and the rest are pure laughs. I asked my colleagues about the authenticity of the pictures. They seemed to think that some of the images were doctored, especially the ones trumpeting the merits of the one child policy at all costs and were horrified that I was going to translate them into English. They tried to talk me out of it because it would give China a bad name but they relented after I assured them that I took the piss out of myself more than anything else on my blog. Once again, the captions are a direct translation of the originals. Some may require a certain level of Mandarin and China experience to understand but I'll try my best to explain. (See blue writing).

Have you ever used SONY batteries? Well these are SQNY batteries!

Like Mitsubishi (Sanling) electrical appliances? This brand - Siling Appliances - with its extra Ling, is far superior!

Ok, first Chinese lesson of the post. The Chinese name of Mitsubishi is Sanling, which means Three Lings whereas this rip-off brand raises the ante with an additional Ling to make it Siling i.e. Four Lings. Yesh, I realise that this may be lost on some people but, really, it... does... make... sense... if... you... speak... Man...da...rin.... MOVING swiftly along!

Pay attention now! This is no Coca Cola. It's Caca Cala!

When was this Harry Potter novel published?? Giant Funnel???

Book cover reads "Harry Potter and the Giant Funnel" by J.K Rowling.

The world's longest underpass is in China! Does it really take 24 hours to cross the road?

More fun with languages. Another way of reading the sign is "You may cross to the other side of the road 24 hours a day"

Shocking slogans...

Contents read as follows:

Shocking Slogans in China

• On a highway in Henan Province - It is illegal to rob the police vehicle!
• An absolute classic - One man's vasectomy is an entire family's pride!
• On a railway line - Suicide by lying across the railway tracks is still a punishable crime!
• In a certain village on the outskirts of Beijing - Have less children, grow more trees; bring up fewer children, rear more pigs!
• Birth planning slogan in a certain district of Hunan Province - Death and destruction to the family of those who do not practise birth control! (Shocking, but I can relate especially when recovering from a hangover on Sunday morning at Grandma's Kitchen which plays host to hoardes of blonde haired children screaming and running away from hapless ayis. Urrghh... the blood boils....)
• Birth control in a certain county of Hebei Province - Rather the destruction of the family than the devastation of the nation.
• A certain district in Henan Province - Rather 10 more graves than one more person.
• Inside a train - Keep carriage clean, throw fruit peels out the window.
  

The employees at this company don't beat around the bush...

Content reads as follows:

Prohibited Words at Petrol Station

• Fuck his mother (fuck your mother)
• Fuck off (over there) and leave me alone
• One look at you makes me sick (you're a pain in the ass)
• Go talk to our leader if you have any complaints
• Scumbag! (You're a fucking piece of X)
• Fuck your mother's X
• Fuck you!

Jiangxi Province Advanced Highway Maintenance Bureau Labour Service Company
Nanchang Petrol Station

My God! Every culture has their way of getting the message across!

Banner content: Hit it! Abort it! Trickle it out! Whatever you do, do not give birth to it!

Those who oppose the government have been warned: unnecessarily harsh.

Banner content: It is a crime to resist agricultural taxes. Those who oppose the government have been warned.

How do you translate "Dry Goods"??

Don't ask me why but "Dry"gan1 and "Fuck"gan4 share the same Chinese character hence the unfortunate interpretation. I suppose it's a bit like the dual meaning of 'bush' and 'cock' in English. :-/

Could it be that the English expression reflects the customer's sentiments upon seeing the price of the goods? "Fuck, it's expensive!"

You gotta laugh. This one's a classic.

You can actually buy these things???

Box reads - Artificial hymen.

Main dish at Chinese wedding banquet - perhaps to wish the bride and groom early success in reproducing offspring? Gobsmacked...